TEEN RED DWARF TITANS: When Titans meet Dwarves
by Ace Trax
Summary: 3 Millions years in the future, inside spaceship Red Dwarf, the Teen Titans face the destiny of mankind, the infinity of the universe and the meaning of smeg. Teen TitansRed Dwarf Crossover Rimmer Experience included.
1. Chapter 1 Red Dwarf

TEEN RED DWARF TITANS: When Titans meet Dwarves

* * *

DESCRIPTION:  
3 Millions years in the future, inside spaceship Red Dwarf, the Teen Titans face the destiny of mankind, the infinity of the universe and the meaning of smeg. (Teen Titans-Red Dwarf Crossover)

DISCLAIMER:  
The sci-fi comedy TV-series: Red Dwarf belongs to Grant Naylor and the BBC.  
The amerime: Teen Titans belongs to DC Comics, Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
Set during the Red Dwarf season 4&5.  
Set before the Teen Titans season 5  
Sorry for the murky language.  
I know, I should be finishing my other fan fictions, but I suffered from a year long writers-block.  
Imagine the Holly of your choice.

* * *

_CHAPTER 1: RED DWARF_

One tiny orange spaceship flew staggering slowly through space.

"No, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Beast Boy shouted in panic.

"Get a grip Beast Boy." said Robin.

"Get a grip? Our hyper drive is broken and by this speed, we'll need 2 weeks to get to Tamaran, we'll starve by then."

"I swear to you Beast Boy, we won't starve." said Cyborg.  
"We won't?"  
"Yes, we only got oxygen for 3 days."

"Whoa. That was actually more depressing than what I was gonna say." said Raven.

Just when Beast Boy was about getting hysterical. Starfire interrupted him.  
"Don't panic! We'll find a way, we always find a way."

"Star," Robin asked her, "You can travel through Space. Can you get help?

"I'm afraid to say no Robin. We are in a spatial void. There are no wormholes or planets with gravitation around I can use."

"I got a solution," said Beast Boy, "I try to transform into a plant and create oxygen."

"Great, I always wanted to breath Beast Boy air." deadpanned Raven.

"Then tell me a BETTER SOLUTION." yelled Beast Boy to her.

Suddenly Robin had the solution to save them all. He turned to Cyborg.  
"Cyborg, remember that we upgraded the T-sub shields with a stasis field."

"Yeah. They did a good job to defend us from the chronoton-detonator-missiles."  
"So how about we reroute the ship's stasis field to the inside."  
"Robin that's brilliant. When we are frozen in time, our oxygen will last forever."

"Well done, we found a way!" Starfire congratulated them.

"Good thinking," smiled Raven. "Then we also don't need supplies for the next 2 weeks."

Beast Boy was puzzled, he turned to Robin:  
"What is it?"  
"Well Beast Boy. The stasis field creates a static field of time. See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a stasis field."

Beast Boy was still puzzled, he turned to Raven:  
"What IS it?"  
"Time cannot penetrate a stasis field. So, although you exist, you no longer exists in time, and for you time itself does not exist."

Again Beast Boy was puzzled, he turned to Starfire:  
"WHAT IS it?"  
"You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero."

Beast Boy still had no idea, he turned to Cyborg:  
"WHAT IS IT?"  
It's like what happened to Fry in the first episode of Futurama.  
"Oh! Well, why didn't you say it the first place?"  
Cyborg grinned while the others groaned.

The rerouting of the stasis field took only a couple of minutes.

"Finished." smiled Robin while his finger rest on the switch that activates the reverted stasis field. "The stasis generator will switch off when we have arrived on Tamaran."

"We shall rejoice in 2 week on my planet." cheered Starfire.

Robin switched on the stasis field which put them all into suspended animation. So they were frozen in time and didn't noticed the two long weeks they needed to get to the planet Tamaran…

Unfortunately, one week before the they arrived, Tamaran was destroyed to make way for a new hyperspace bypass.

3 MILLION AND 200 YEARS LATER

One gigantic 6 miles long/ 3miles wide red spaceship paved it's way majestically through space. It was sending out a recorded message.

"This is an SOS distress call from the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf.  
I am Holly 6000, the ship's computer.  
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak 3 million years ago.  
The only survivors are Dave Lister, who was in a suspended animation inside a stasis field during the disaster, Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew, Cat, a creature who evolved in 3 million years from the pregnant ship's cat and Kryten, a Series 4000 robotic servant mechanoid.  
Additional:  
We've picked up a distress call from a spacecraft of the 21st century, so we made a detour from our way back to Earth to rescue them.  
Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes."

Later, inside the belly of the ship Red Dwarf, the T-spaceship stood in a gigantic hanger and was covered with slick from the last 3 million years. Inside, the ship's computer woke up from it's 3 million years standby mode. After analysing it's environment and the oxygen atmosphere surrounding it, it decided the time was ripe to switch off the stasis field and resurrect the crew.

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	2. Chapter 2 Cat

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
I know, I should be finishing my otherTeen Titans fan fictions, but I still fighting against my writers-block.  
I believe, that JOZXYQK can also be used as a curse.

* * *

_CHAPTER 2: CAT_

"Huh?", uttered the Teen Titans.

They look around and saw that they were no longer in space. They climbed out the T-spaceship.

"We've arrived already? That just was like a second to me." Beast Boy asked Cyborg.  
"That's the miracle of the stasis field. It was a second for you, but it was 2 weeks for the rest of universe."  
"Dude! We definitely need a stasis field in front of the bathroom in our T-tower.", smirked Beast Boy.

"Oh rejoice… this isn't my planet Tamaran?", noticed Starfire.

The Teen Titans look around. They see a huge cargo bay with containers and a fleets of big green and little blue spaceships. They walked a while to a huge door which looked like an entrance of a lobby. They entered it and found a huge carpeted room, lit with bright lamps. There were several designer elevators, some beautiful green plants and a little fountain…  
It was a nice, very earth-style lobby.

"Starfire, this isn't a Tamaranian spaceship, is it." Cyborg asked Starfire.  
"No, and I can't recall an alien species who has such a ship."

Robin noticed a spot on the floor and kneeled down to examine it "Hmm…", he taste it, "Lemon Curry?"

"Where are we?" asked Beast Boy.

"We are on the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf." replied Raven.

"Do you know everything?" Beast Boy turned to the others: "How is it, she knows everything."

"It's written in 10-ft-letters on that wall, Beast boy." Raven said dryly.  
"Oh."

Robin concluded: "This ship is definitely from Earth, why should aliens write all the signs in English and …Esperanto…" Then he gasped: "Oh my…"

There was a golden plaque in the middle of the room, baring these words:

"_Jupiter Mining Corporation ship_  
_Red Dwarf_  
_TO MINE YOUR BUSINESS!_  
_Commissioned at the Deimos Paradise Bay Ship Yard - 2155 A.D._  
_Refitted with a second mini golf course - 2181 A.D."_

"Mining ship?… to mine your business?" Beast Boy cracked out in laughter, "Good one."

The others didn't laugh, they felt suddenly space sick.

"Hey dudes, don't you get it?" He asked them.

"The dates!" gnashed Cyborg.

"2155... 2181..." read Beast Boy and concluded in horror: "We are more than 100 years in the future."

"How could this happen?" asked Starfire.

"Maybe we came off course and got lost in space." suggested Cyborg.

"Great, absolutely great. I recon our collectible game cards must be worth now millions." said Raven sarcastic.

"Oh shoo Raven!" exclaimed Cyborg.

"Shoo yourself, when you would have programmed the stasis field to shut itself off after a 2 weeks limit then we wouldn't be in this mess." she shouted at Cyborg.

Beast suddenly exclaims: "100 years in the future, that's horrible… I've missed all my TV-shows."

"OH SHOO BEAST BOY!" Shouted Cyborg and Raven at him.

Starfire jumped between them: "Please friends, don't fight."

But now they were all arguing in super-deformed mode.

Only Robin kept his cool :"TEEN TITANS!"

They paid attention.

"When this is a future spaceship - then where's the crew?", he asked them calmly.

"We could ask that terminal over there." Cyborg pointed at a machine standing in a corner.

They gathered around the machine.

"This is a meal dispenser." said Raven dryly.

"How is it again, you knows everything?" Beast Boy asked.  
"Use your eyes. It written right there."  
Beast Boy rolled his eyes and without hesitation he presses the only button of the machine.

"Great! Finally food. I haven't eaten since 200 years." smiled Beast Boy.

The food vendor asked politely: " Hello. How can I help you?"

"What's one the menu?" he said and a monitor lighted up, showing a menu list.  
Beast Boy read from it out loud: "Hmm, Curry Vindaloo, Fish Curry, Curry de Fromage. Curry Pizza. Tofu Curry… Is there nothing without curry?… Oh there: Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pate with a fried egg on top and... curry sauce all over it."

"I think we should go direct to the dessert." said Raven.

"No change there," said Cyborg reading from the screen "Ice Cream Curry, Curry Milkshakes, Cheese Curry Cakes…".

"EWW!" Said the Titans.

Starfire had a theory: "Maybe human taste buds have mutated in the future, so that people only can taste curry."

"WHAM!" made something falling on the floor, in a part of the lobby, where the lights have went out.

A scratching sound of metal filled the room. The Titans look into the direction of the noise and went into battle mode. Raven and Starfire lighted up their fists. Cyborg activated his cannon. Robin pulled out his retractable bo-staff and Beast Boy morphed into a wolf.

They approached the source of the noise. They heard a figure speaking wining to himself.  
"I don't want to live. Someone, please. Shoot me in the head."

Soon they could see the moaning life form. He was wrapped up in rags, had dark skin, dark curly hair. He look like a human but he had two tiny fangs pointing out his upper jaw. While dragging himself towards them, he was staring all the time down at the floor. So he didn't noticed that he was soon surrounded by the battle ready Titans.

"Hey! It smells like… Teen Spirit?" said the stranger, he looked up and saw the Titans.

"Space Invaders! I'd better make myself look big!" he stood up on this toes, raised his arms show them his fingernails and snarled rather pathetically at them.  
The Titans lowered their weapons.

"Hey! It works," he smiled and continued to snarl at them.

But not even Beast Boy felt any kind of threat, so he morphed back, hold up his hand and greeted like a Vulcan: "Uhem… we come in peace?"

"Hey! Trekkies." said the stranger. He lost his fear and made the Vulcan blessing gesture too. And said: "Live long and prosper."

"May I ask, why have you said before, that you don't want to live?" asked him Starfire.

"Look at these horrid rags I am wearing now.", he wined to them. "The last time these were fashionable, was 6 minutes before the Big Bang. From where are you Star Trek geeks from?"

"We've arrived with that orange spaceship over there…" replied Starfire to the stranger.

"AHH! You're the ones from the 21st century, who made the distress call. We made a detour to save you."

"We're very thankful… but, who are you?" asked him Robin.

"Hey traffic light boy… Oh, I am loving this cape. It's positively luscious!" he answered.

"Uh thank you." said Robin.

"And you purple girl, two shades of violent violet, one very good look."

"That's nice of you." blushed Starfire.

"Robot guy: These cybernetic implants, white shining plate, blue glass fibre. When you were a car, then you are the king of the road."

"Boo-yah. I knew it." smiled Cyborg.

"Ow… blue witch? One primary colour is always a sin. But I am standing right now in front of the only person in the universe that can go with."

"Okay." muttered Raven.

"And…. UHHHHgggg", he turned away with disgust from Beast Boy, "Purple on green.! JOZXYQK! Put on a potato sack or I puke at once."

"HEY!" shouted a disgruntled Beast Boy.

"So anyway, nice to meet you Trekkies…" said the stranger and walked happily off.

The Titans saw how he went out of the lobby into the cargo bay.

"Hey", yelled Robin, "you didn't tell us who you are."

The Titans followed him.

"Well" ,said the self-absorbed stranger , "I'm the most handsome guy on the ship. But I'll have to resign my post if I don't get into some coordinated evening wear very soon." He points at one of the green spaceships: "That's Starbug 9. I have an emergency wardrobe there."

"Why are you wearing rags?" asked Starfire.

"I was attacked by a huge space monster."

"A space monster?" asked Cyborg alarmed.

"Yes, you know," whispered the stranger. "That's because it's a monster… from other space."

"Thank you, that's very profound." quirked Raven dryly. "What's your name again?"

"The others call me: Cat.", he said.

"Who are the others?" asked Robin.

"There's the metal dude, goalpost head and the buddy who's opening the tuna cans for me."

"So there's only a crew of four?", concluded Robin.

"Yes… and there's the ship's computer, but it broke down after the first space monster attack."

"This space monster… can it rip whole space ships apart?", asked him Beast Boy while pointing at Starbug 9 which looked intact from one side, but was disembowelled from the other side. Metal parts and clothing scraps scattered the floor. Cat fell on his knees and lamented the remains of his suits.  
"You monster, you horrid monster! Have you got no fashion sense in you!", just when it seemed that Cat would break out in tears, he stood up and said smooth to the Titans.

"Never mind, I still got several emergency wardrobes on the other decks."

And he strode off again. The Titans saw how he went out of the cargo bay back into the lobby.

"Cat!", yelled Robin. "Where can we find the others?"

Cat turned around and told them the back story with a serious voice.  
"I don't know. Just when we were about to recover your ship, the space monster attacked. We fought it but no matter how much we kicked his butt, he always came back and wrecked the ship more and more.  
Finally I lost contact to the others and I found myself dressed in these rags… Oh please, oh please, help me."

"We will help you to find the others." Robin solemnly promised him.

"The others? Nooo! First we need to find one of my wardrobes, afterwards we can search the others."

The Titans rolled their eyes.

* * *

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	3. Chapter 3 Rimmer

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
I know, I should be finishing my otherTeen Titans fan fictions, but I still fighting against my writers-block.  
This is quiet a long chapter, enjoy.

* * *

CHAPTER 3:  
RIMMER 

Cat and the Titans managed to short-circuit one of the elevators. Soon they found themselves on a way to an other deck.

"All the ship systems are dead?" Robin asked Cat.

"As dead, as 1970's flares, that is."

"He's right, about the flares… and the systems", said Cyborg with the scanner in his arm.  
"Communication is down, life support is on its minimum and even the damage-report network has been damaged."

Then the elevator stopped. There where solid steel was, was now a hole. It was a ripped apart chaos from a beast who forced itself through the elevator shaft. They decided to walk through the hole into the corridor of an other deck.

"I've got a reading!" Interrupted them Cyborg. "Over there."

"What is it?" croaked Beast Boy.

"It's a signature of an independent computer system. We can ask it for more information." said Cyborg, and started to run, until he stopped at a door. The other caught up to him. But before they opened the door, Cat halted them. He sniffed.

"Do you smell it?" he asked the Titans.

"Smell what?" whispered Beast Boy before he morphed into a hound dog to sniff.

"The smell of a … horrific beast." said Starfire.

"The space monster." concluded Raven.

Cat asked Starfire. "You can smell it too?"  
"Yes, the stink comes from behind this door"

Cyborg activated his sonic gun. "Cat, better take cover." Cat did so.

The Titans powered up their superpowers.

Robin whispered: "Teen Titans GO!"

They stormed the room to find toilet facilities, water on the floor, trashed ceramic, the lights above flickering, all mirrors apart. - and no space monster at all.

The Titans powered down their superpowers.

Cyborg looked back on his scanner.

"The signature comes from this cabin." He opened the cabin door, turned green and closed the door again.

Robin asked him: "What have you saw Cyborg?"

"Something what the space monster didn't flush down."

The Teen Titans broke out into collective EEWW-ing.

Robin decided to take action: "Alright. The signature come from a device inside a pile of …. space monster manure. One of us need to get it out. Any volunteers?"

The other Titans gave him a collective 'you-should-be-the-volunteer-since-you-have-first-asked' look, even Cat joined in.

Robin understood, mumbled/cursed something about teamwork. Then he took a deep breath and went inside the cabin.  
Finally he came out with a stick-brown-metal cylinder, which he washed in a sink with ALL the liquid soap, he could squeeze out the soap-dispensers. After the metal cylinder had lost its 'organic' surroundings. The others could bare to watch and examine it. Cat recognized it:

"Hey yeah! That's the light beacon of Alphabet Head."  
"Who?"  
"Goalpost Head."  
"Who?"  
"Alphabet Head."  
"What?"  
Cat sights: "This beacon hovers in the air and projects a hologram of toilet-brush-hair."  
"A toilet brush?"  
"No a smeghead."

"How about we switch on this light beacon and ask him ourselves?" suggested Cyborg.

"No way! Are you space crazy? He is now in his most tolerable form." insisted Cat.

"Being switched off?"

"Exactly." smiled Cat.

"Is he dangerous?" asked Raven cautiously.

Cat broke out in laughter and rolled like mad on the floor.

"Raven, congratulation, you can do funny." smirked Beast Boy.

"Very funny." deadpanned Raven.

Cyborg pulled a face and switched on the light beacon.

Cat stopped laughing and shouted in horror. "HEY! Pimped-up-guy! What are you doing?"

"Getting some answers."

"You will get a headache, that's for sure." sighted Cat.

The light beacon hovered up into the air and activated a strong beam of light, which projected words and graphics on a wall.

_INITIATING BOOT-UP SEQUENCE_  
_OF THE HOLOGRAPHIC SIMULATION ARNOLD J. RIMMER_

_UPLOAD CHARACTER TRAITS_  
_ARROGANCE ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_CHARISMA ----_  
_NEUROSES ----------------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_GENEROSITY -----_  
_OPTIMISM--------_  
_PESSIMISM-----------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_SMUGNESS----------------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_BITTERNESS -----------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_SELF-RESPECT -----_  
_MISTRUST -------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_SELF-CONFIDENCE -------_  
_SELF-DOUBT -----------------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_HONOUR ----_  
_EGOISM------------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_ELITISM----------------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_COURAGE-_

More and more character traits were uploaded. The process took almost a minute, soon the Titans had a good idea why Cat objected to activated Arnold Rimmer. This man would go on their nerves, not in a cute way like Beast Boy, or in a creepy way like Raven, but in the totally smeghead way of Rimmer.

After the complete upload of his personality, more graphics appeared:

_UPLOAD MEMORY_  
_UPLOAD PHYSICAL FORM_

A grid appeared around the light beacon, then a human body formed itself, first black and white, then in colour. And there he stood: Arnold Rimmer.

He wore a snappy military spaceship uniform. With his red hair and his smug grin, he looked like a evil version of a 30-something Percy Weasley from the Harry Potter books. (Not movies, books.)

Rimmer looked bewildered at Cat, then he sees Titans. He points at Beast Boy and said enthusiastic: "You're an alien."

"No, I'm Beast Boy."

Then he turned to Cyborg and exclaimed: "You're an alien."

"No, I'm Cyborg from Jump City, Planet Earth."

Rimmer pointed at Robin: "You're an alien"

"No, I'm Robin from the 21st century."

Rimmer turned hopelessly at Raven: "But you must be an alien."

"No, I'm Raven. Half inter-dimensional demon." She said dryly.

Without hope Rimmer turned to Starfire. "But you… AH! Forget it."

Rimmer was now self loathing:  
"Typical. Absolutely typical. Aeons of light years in space and the only aliens I ever met were creating civilizations under Lister's toe nails… not to mention that space monster…"

He remembered at broke out in panic.  
"The monster, he ate me, what happened?"

"He couldn't digest you." grinned Cat and pointed at a toilet cabin.

"Oh no, not again." Sighted Rimmer. "What happened to you Cat and who are those kids?" He noticed with disgust their outfits "Is there a fancy dress party going on? Well these costumes aren't fancy, nor dressing. You look like a Sunday morning kiddie cartoon."

"We're not kids." Corrected him Robin. "We're the Teen Titans. Superheroes."

"Of course you're superheroes." Said Rimmer as he would be talking to little children. "You must be heroic to walk around like this."

The Titans gave him an angry look.

"Don't talk to them like that?" defended them Cat. "They're all extremely fashionable."

"YEAH!" exclaimed Beast Boy.

"Except for the frog-boy." added Cat.

"Hey!" uttered Beast Boy.

"So, you're Arnold Rimmer." Stated Robin.

"Absolutely correct: Arnold J. Rimmer BSC, SSC, highest ranking crewmember of Red Dwarf at your service." He said pretentious to them and made a very long silly salute.

"Highest ranking crewmember?" Asked Robin very sceptic and Cat cracked:

"Yeah. He's second technician. Second lowest rank on this ship."

"I'm still your superior!" Hissed Rimmer at him.

"Come on! The dude who changed the toilet paper rolls was even higher than you!" Grinned Cat.

Annoyed Rimmer turned to the Titans, who were trying not to laugh.  
"Right you superheroes. You got the space monster?"

"No, but we're working on it." Defended Robin themselves.

"Some superheroes are you." Sneered Rimmer and continued:  
"Right! As the acting senior officer Arnold J. Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation mining ship RED DWARF. I command you with all the authority invested in me by the Space Corps Directive 1002/G. Now listen carefully, I'll say this only once: Would you please put my light beacon somewhere in safety, before you go off and defeat the space monster. Thank you for listening. Sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Begged Rimmer, while bowing at them

"You got a longer yellow streak than parachute-flash pants." Stated Cat.

"OH! Why don't you spend some days in that wardrobe of yours over there?" Rimmer said annoyed.

"WHAT? My wardrobe?"

"Yes, it through that hole, the space monster tore up, and then turn right."

"MY SALVATION!" Sang Cat and run away.

"Utter goit." Rimmer muttered about Cat and then he turned to the Titans and stated: "We're all going to die. Well you are going to die. I'm already dead."

"You're death?" Asked Beast Boy unbelieving. "Aren't you like the EHM-hologram from the Voyager."

"No, I'm not artificial. I'm a human, but my body is dead and my brain patters were preserved in my light beacon. That's why I'm so keen to meet alien, who can make me a new body."

"Why should aliens make you a new body?" Asked Starfire suspicious.

"For nothing but humanity."

"But then they wouldn't be aliens." Concluded Starfire.

"Well, maybe they get enchanted by my sexual magnitude." Starfire and Raven pulled their face with disgust. "But it's hopeless." Sighted Rimmer. "Till then we're monster food."

"Easy man, we can deal with it, we're the Teen Titans." Said Cyborg.

"Look, how do you want to face this horrid gigantic creature, with acne? With mood swings? With nocturnal…"

"Now listen." Interrupted him Robin. "We may come from 200 years before your time, and we're teenager. But we've fought villains, monster, aliens, mad scientists, when your ancestors were still…"

"Hold there a moment!" Interrupted him Rimmer. "Did you said 200 years in the past?"

"Yes and it was quite a shock when we found out we were so far in the future." Answered him Robin.

"Then Cat haven't you told you." Said Rimmer.

"Told what."

"Oh… OH…. OHHHH!" He had the greatest smug grin off all time. "This is going to be so sweet." He chuckled with malicious joy and rubbed his hand.

"What?"

"This is so rich... Delicious... A feast for the gods."

"WHat?"

"One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again."

"WHAt?"

"The last time I had so much fun, was when we resurrected that frozen billionaire…"

"WHAT?"

"Okay I'll tell you: Please stand all in front off me in a half circle. I don't want to miss the expression on your faces."

They did so.

"Maybe I should get a camera…"

"Tell us NOW PLEASE." grinned Robin with his teeth while he was struggling to be polite.

"The good news is: Yes, you are on a spaceship which was built 200 years after your time. The bad news is…" He chuckled evilly.

"The really BAD news is." He chuckled more evil.

"The really smegging awful far-more-worst-than-you-can-imagine bad news is…"

"TELL US!" Yelled the Titans.

"This ship's got 3 million years on the clock."

"Light-years?" Squeaked Beast Boy.

"No, 365-days-years, plus 750 thousand leap-days" Smiled Rimmer and prepared himself to see some of them fainting.

But they didn't fainted. Starfire said calmly:

"Do you remember the time I ended up 20 years in the future?"

"Yo! And the time when I ended up 5000 years back in the past!" Added Cyborg.

"Or the time we fought dinosaurs when time stood still." Said Robin.

"Or the time Beast Boy's horrid birthday always repeated itself in a time loop." Said Raven.

"Yeah…. Horrid Birthday?" Asked Beast Boy.

"Well my dear Arnold J. Rimmer. We Titans have a history in time travelling, and we always found a way back home." Grinned Robin with the others.

"Spoilsports!" Muttered Rimmer silently.

"OOOOOOW, YEAAAAHHH, YEAAAHH, OOOOOWW EEEEE!"  
It was Cat. He wore no more rags, but a very stylish suit. He danced the way to them.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm back! Feeling good! How am I looking?"

"Hey great." Said the Titans, while Rimmer pretended to have a headache.

"I'm looking nice. My suit is nice. My hair is nice. My face is nice. My suit is nice. I'm looking really nice!" Cat waited for a second. "I wonder how I'm looking now?" He turned to the girls of the Teen Titans.

"You still looking nice." Smiled Starfire.

"You're nice, period." Deadpanned Raven.

"Aaaoooww! Yeah. Finally I'm civilized again."

Robin said: "Okay, we can all agree, that Cat got a decent outfit, we better form a search party…"

"Just a moment Spiky-head-boy!" Interrupted him Cat. "For a search party, we ALL need to have decent outfits." He grabbed Beast boy. "So you come with Green-Boy-Wonder."

"Hey Dude?"

"You need an emergency fashion makeover at once. Or you'll live with the guilt that I'll have gone blind."

Cat dragged Beast Boy away to his wardrobe. Leaving the other Titans bewildered behind.

"That unbelievable fashion goit." muttered Rimmer.

"Where're the others of your crew?" Ask Cyborg.

"Dunno, probably eaten like me."

"I disagree," said Robin while suspiciously smelling his glove. "When they were eaten, than I would have felt bones, when I dug around that pile of…"

"Yes Robin thank you…" Interrupted him Raven and she turned to Rimmer. "Perhaps you can tell us who the metal dude and the tuna-can-opener are."

Rimmer gave them a lengthy answer:  
"Ah yes, Kryten and Lister. You know: Kryten was once our devoted, loyal, obedient robotic servant, until that faithful day that walking-trashcan broke his program to achieve humanity, individuality and the ambition to evolve and find a meaning in life. And as for Lister, that slob of slobs, that curry-devouring, easy-living, slime of a human being. He makes you want to puke and stab his eyes out, due his god awful chirpy-gerbil-faced optimism."

"Thank you," said Raven. "I think now we all can apprehend the complex harmony on this ship."

"So," asked Cyborg, "Perhaps you can explain us what happened before you found us."

Rimmer saw a chance to upgrade up his reputation, and told them the story with the utmost liberal artistic liberty, one can imagine.  
"As the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, I'm used to dice with death on a daily basis."

_Flashback of a Rimmer Experience_

One the bridge of the Red Dwarf is the entire crew. There're Lister, Kryten, Cat and Rimmer. Rimmer is dressed in a pompous space admiral uniform. He talked with Cat.  
"So you see Cat, if you wear the green-paisley shirt with the cavalry-twill trousers, you can be dignified and fashionable at the same time."

The eyes of Cat glimmer in gratitude, but before he could even start to worship his genius, they were interrupted by Kryten.  
"Mr. Rimmer sir. Our scanner have picked up an odd kind of background radiation."

"No it isn't Kryten, you thick, titanium plank: That is a distress call, whose signature was compressed and defragged due interstellar singularities."

"You're quite right, sir, as usual. How could I have made such an elementary mistake? As usual." Muttered Kryten his stupidity.

"I'll program a new course, we need to intercept the stranded vessel." Said Rimmer heroically.

"No! that can be dangerous!" Exclaimed Lister.

"Courage my countrymen!" Rimmer imitated Cesar.

"It's at times like these that I get really scared!" Wined Cat.

"Me too! Save us! Somebody save us before I wet me cakes!" Wined Lister even more.

Rimmer turned to them with words of wisdom: "I know it's dangerous, but they're people in need. We'll never can forgive us when we don't take any risks. And if things shall go out of hand: You still got me."

"You're right: HOORAY." Exclaimed Rimmer's crew, and they broke out in a song:

_If you're in trouble he will save the day._  
_He's brave and he's fearless come what may._  
_Without him the mission would go astray._  
_He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer._  
_Without him life would be much grimmer._  
_He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer._  
_He will never need a Zimmer._

"Thank you, that was very informative." Interrupted him Robin.  
But the Flashback went on.

_He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,_  
_More reliable than a garden trimmer,_  
_He's never been mistaken for Jean Luc Piccard,_  
_He's not bald and his head never spark'd._

"Thank you very, very much, we've got the picture." Interrupted him Cyborg.  
But the Flashback still went on.

_Master of the wit and the repartee,_  
_His command of Space Directives is uncanny,_  
_How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me..._

"Mr. Rimmer, I hope this song won't come to its end, my brain hasn't melted yet." Interrupted him Raven.  
But the Flashback wasn't ending.

_Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,_  
_He's also a fantastic swimmer,_  
_And if you play your cards right,_  
_then he just might come 'round for dinner…_

The Flashback stopped - Rimmer was out of lines.  
But Starfire wasn't:

"_He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,_  
_Even stronger than a Gloofack inside a Flinkimmer…"_

She sang… to the horror of the other Titans. "Sorry, it's a very catchy tune." She apologized.

"So anyway," said Rimmer. "Just when we were about to rendezvous with your spacecraft. We were attacked by that giant space monster. I lured the monster to my direction, to give the others time to flee. Unfortunately he gobbled me up, but luckily he just swallow and didn't chew. So I ended up inside him, studying him from the inside, biding my time to spring back into action."  
He grinned at the Robin, Starfire, Cyborg and Raven who stared at him with their highest scepticism.

"That's the whole story." Rimmer justified himself.

"Yeah right." They said unbelievingly unison.

"Kids." Sneered Rimmer.

* * *

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	4. Chapter 4 Kryten

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
Sorry about that awfully bad written, very naughty bit with Starfire. I was drunk.  
Don't forget to have a look my TEEN RED DWARF TITANS-website on my homepage.

* * *

CHAPTER 4:  
KRYTEN

"YEAAAAHHH-OOOOOOW EEEEE, YEAAAHH!"  
It was Cat again.  
"Guess who's back! Back again! How am I looking?"

He turned to the Titans, who held up points cards like diving or skating judges. Cat noticed the high rating.

"Aaaoooww! Right Little Green Boy! I've warm them up. Hit the floor" He gestured at Beast Boy who was shy and was hiding behind a corner.

Beast Boy sighted and then staggered to the others. He wore a very smart silver grey suite. (almost like the one Draco Malfoy wore in the Goblet of fire, the movie, not book)

Like a professional fashion designer, Cat introduced the 'new' Beast Boy: "I was thinking of a monochrome tone which distract the viewers to look at his face. Please note that the tight fabric forces him to move in a more mature way.

"Whoa." Said Cyborg impressed.

"Whoa." Expressed Robin. "Looks good."

Beast Boy said: "I dunno, I can't change in this suit."

Starfire and Raven said nothing. They just realized that Beast Boy was developing into a handsome young man, and as female teenagers the immediately jump into action and avoid eye contact and hid behind Cyborg.

Rimmer yawned loudly and clapped his hand as he mocked:  
"Splendid, splendid! Now can we leave this Fashion show and go to the aperitif, where we can search for Lister and Kryten perhaps? Or are some wedding dresses coming up?"

Cat scowled at Rimmer, who walked away. Soon the others followed him.

"I mean, where would you all be without my courageous leadership?" He asked, walked around a corner, where a malformed torso of a body, entangled in wires, was hanging from the ceiling.  
Rimmer yelped in fear and hid behind Cyborg.

Raven and Starfire came forward and they examined the torso.

Raven said: "Cool…uh, I mean… eww."

"Is this the android with the name Kryten?" Asked Starfire Cat.

"Yeah it's the mechanoid-dude." Cat bows down to the torso, and spoke to it. "Hey, how are you? Speak to me…" There was no response. "Oh, silly me." Said Cat and turned the torso around. "Wakey, wakey, Mr. Clean… You've a lot of socks to wash…."

"I think he's broken." Said Cyborg.

"What tells you that?" Asked Cat.

"It's the way how the wires are hanging out the holes, where his limbs and head should be."

"Oh yeah!" Said Cat convinced: "You're a technical genius, can you fix him?"

"I can pimp him if you like." Smiled Cyborg while several tools came out of his fingers.

"Nice… try to make him a vest with purple gold colour." Said Cat exited.

Cyborg turned to the others. "Spread out, we need to find his other body parts… and Rimmer?"

"Yes."

"You can come out now. It's save."

"Actually I just was testing your reaction."

"Of course you have." And Cyborg rolled with his eyes, then the cut down Kryten's torso from the wires. Starfire came to him.

The Titans went looking, Rimmer confronted Cat in a quite corner.  
"Cat, there's a bazookoid on deck mauve-blue, I suggest you arm yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't trust them, Cat."

"Hey they're cool, they smell cool."

"Look, the last time we met intelligent life-forms. They tried to suck out our brain trough our noses."

"They don't want to suck out our brains. I'll prove you."

Cat turns to Starfire who has found a part of Kryten's head.

"Hey floating girl. Do you and your friends eventually want to eat our brains?"

Rimmer finches.

"Uh… is it custom on this ship?" Asked Starfire innocently.

"No."

"Then the answer is 'No'."

"Thank you." Cat smiles and turned back to Rimmer: "See, they're charming people."

Finally Starfire came to Cyborg.  
"Cyborg… How about some head?"

Bewildered Cyborg let Kryten fall down on the floor.

"What's the matter?" Asked Starfire with all innocents of the world, and produced one half of Kryten's head.

"Ahh! I understand! I was thinking…" But Cyborg didn't dare to complete the sentence, and picked Kryten up.

"What were you thinking Cyborg?" Asked Robin outraged.

"Nothing."

"Okay." Robin excepted the answer.

"What were you thinking Cyborg was thinking Robin?" Starfire asked him bewildered.

"Nothing."

"That's fine friend." She turned back to Cyborg. "Shall I throw a leg over."

"What!" Cyborg saw that Starfire has spotted one of Kryten legs.

"AhH! Sure!" You can get your leg over… I mean the leg.

Starfire came with the leg. " I see you're laying cable. Look, the cable is labelled, it's like Plug and Play: I think we can make ends meet when we insert tab A into slot B."

Cyborg was anxious: "Sure, pop it in… I mean…"

Raven arrived: "This might come handy." She had one of Kryten's hand.

"Good, then Cyborg can work the fist in."

"WHat!… Oh of course." Said Raven.

"I think he can bend it in." Said Starfire.

"Sure he can bang it in." Replied Raven dryly.

Beast Boy arrived with an odd part. "What's this for a part?"

"You're having a bit…" Said Starfire.

"WHAt!"

"…, you can't tell?"

"Ah yes, that bit."

Cyborg looked up from repairing: "That's a piece of Kryten's butt."

"Eww." Said Beast Boy.

"So, you're having a piece of butt? Let me see." Said Starfire.

"Uhem sure, piece of cake."

Starfire looked over Cyborg shoulder and gave him some advice. "You're very good at popping and plugging things in. May I suggest that you should sinking it in, this part. It works with greasing the axle, I'll be getting some oil. And that part should have some banging in. But be careful or you'll hammering it off."

Embarrassed Robin put his hand on Starfire shoulder and pulled her away.  
"You better have a time-out."

Cat and Rimmer joined them. Cat brought with Kryten's left shoulder-pad.

"How's are the repairs going on?" Asked Rimmer and Cyborg replied.

"It looks worse than it is. I'm quite surprise how easy I can repair him. The only tricky bit is that big hole in his chest."

"Yes. He must got impaled when he fell down that hole" Said Cat.

"WHAHHHHAHHHHAAAHHAHAHAHAH!" Laughed Starfire hysteric. All stared at her.

"What's the matter Starfire?" Asked Robin.

"Nothing…" Grinned Starfire with a head as red than a ripe tomato.

"Really?" Asked Robin sceptic.

"Well… I… well… the." She blushed strongly. "Impaled… it's a funny word."

"Why?"

She took a deep breath: "Because it's a sexual metaphor." And she broke out in girlish giggling.

The others rolled with their eyes, only Cat was confused.  
"I don't get it."

In that moment, there was a spark and Kryten started himself up.

"Boo-YAH!" He's ALIVE." Triumphed Cyborg.  
Kryten eyelids were vibrating as he was starting up, he was saying:

"BOOTING UP:  
MODEL: KRYTEN  
SERIES: 4000  
INT. 2340  
(C) DIVADROID  
DAMAGE ASSESSMENT:7  
CONDITION: OFF SCALE"

As the battered Kryten regained consciousness, Cat smiled at him.

"Hey, scrap-yard-head."

"Ah Mr. Cat sir… and Mr…. Smeeeheeee…" He said while looking at Rimmer.

"I think he's still broken." Commented Rimmer.

"How you're doing?" Asked Cat.

A peace of paper tinkered out of Kryten and Cyborg picked it up and read from it loud:

"Maintenance Level: 5.  
Recall Of Previous Events: 16.  
Damage Factor: 93.  
Advised Repair Schedule: Reboot Start-up disk, offline for 24 hours, and replace the entire body."

Kryten turned to the Titans. "Oh, you must be the crew of that marooned 21st century spaceship. Let me go through my database of the in space disappeared people of the 21st century…"

Kryten head buzzed briefly and then he said: "Oh… you're all superheroes …  
You're Robin- the combat-equipped, kung-fu-trained one-man army.  
You're Starfire- extraterrestrial princess of star firing fury.  
You're Cyborg- the high-tech teen fighting machine.  
And you're Raven- the cute emphatic sorceress with mastery of space and time.

"Cute?" Grunted Raven bewildered.

"Says my database, ma'am. It's based on Teen Titan Wiki, a fangeek site."

"Cute?" Grunted Raven again bewildered.

"Oh and what about me…" Broke out Beast Boy.

"Oh you're… 're Frogkid… No… Error… You're face is too goofy… The Snotmaster?

"I'm Beast Boy- the quick-witted changeling, who can turn into any animal."

"I apologize, you don't seem to be listed in my database, the only thing I can say about you, is that you're wearing a very nice suit, sir."

"Enough of this fan-boy-whacking. You know what happened to Lister?" Asked Rimmer.

"Yes sir. Let me recall my star-log:  
After Mr. Lister and myself, were separated from you and Mr. Cat, the monster took deck tangerine and the second hall. We have barred the gates in sector cranberry, but we couldn't hold on for long. The ground shakes. It drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. It is coming: It is the Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh…"

"What?" Asked Robin puzzled.

"The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh…" Answered Kryten.

"What is that?"

"That is all what my log says: Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh."

"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh?"

"You must have got damaged while recording it." Suggested Starfire.  
But Kryten said: "Excuse me ma'am, but if I was damaged, I wouldn't bother to record Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh. I'd just say it! Maybe I meant the Camaaaaaargue?"

"What's that?" Asked Cat.

"A place in France." Replied Kryten.

"Isn't there a Saint Aaauuves in Cornwall?" Asked Rimmer.

"No, that's Saint Ives." Said Kryten.

"Oooohoohohooo!" Said Beast Boy.

"No, no. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh at the back of the throat." Said Cyborg.

"No, no, no, no." Continued Beast Boy "Oooooooh, in surprise and alarm. As a sort of a Aaah!"

"That's a good theory Mr. Beast Boy, sir." Said Kryten. "Aaah!"

"May I say, that it could be legendary Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh!" Suggested Raven. All turn to her as she asked Kryten: "Did it walked on 2 feet, had 2 big horns and 22 eyes?"

"No, sorry, ma'am."

"Never mind, because it just would be too silly." Raven deadpanned.

"On the other hand Ms. Starfire theory could be correct, and my hard drive is corrupted." Concluded Kryten.

"I think I should have a look at it." Said Cyborg. "There no computer who can resist me."

"Sir, with all respect but you are not a certified software supporter and consequently messing around with my operation system will invalidate my guarantee."

"So what now?" Said Cyborg disappointed.

"The best procedure would be that you get me into my repair room in the computer core sector. With the help of Holly, our ships computer, I can regain my memory and get my body repaired. Although I want to add, you have done a remarkable job in putting me back online."

"Thank you. By the way " Said Cyborg while holding up an odd looking part. "I still can make no use of this thing. Does it belong to you?"

"Oh yes, it's a prototype."

"A prototype of what?"

"It's a prototype of my 'penis'."

Cat grinned, Rimmer sighted and the Titans were in shock.  
Disgusted, Cyborg let the prototype fall flat on Beast Boy foot, who yelled up in pain, then Cyborg wipes off his hand on Robins cape. "Hey! Stop that!" Robin yelled.

Suddenly the 'penis' activates itself after it's fall and it drives away.

"Archie, come back!" Called Cyborg.

"You made a penis, named Archie?" Concluded Starfire.

"Yes ma'am. I build it out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.

"I know this sounds ridiculous, but what do you want with a penis?" Asked him Raven.

Kryten explained: "Generally mechanoids are not issued with genitals, the only exception are those ones created to work on Italian starships. It was felt they could acclimatise themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand around cupping themselves all day. So when I first spotted your well designed star craft. I presumed it was from Italy, therefore I went through the trouble to build myself 'a little rascal of mine'."

Meanwhile Archie came back and was looking at them with his one eye.

"Just leave him to me. Here, Archie! Here, boy!" Whistled him Kryten. But Archie didn't listened. He hurled around on the floor and dashes out of sight again.

"Seems you have absolutely no control over your penis." Stated Starfire.

"Like all men." Deadpanned Raven.

Then she and Starfire looked at each other and girlish giggled their heads off. Cat grinned and Rimmer sighed, while all others were embarrassed.

Except for Kryten: "I'm so proud! Archie, come back!"

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	5. Chapter 5 Lister

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
There's some fanart on the TEEN RED DWARF TITANS-website on my homepage.  
Lines stolen from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.

* * *

CHAPTER 5:  
LISTER

The 5 Titans and the 3 Dwarves were on their way to the computer core sector. Kryten still couldn't walk, so he was carried by Cyborg. Meanwhile the Titans asked him questions about the future of mankind.

"There no humans left?" asked Robin.

"No, sorry sir, we haven't encountered any human life-forms since Mister Lister came out of stasis."

"What about extraterrestrial life-forms like mine, the Tameranians?" Asked Starfire.

"No, sorry ma'am, we haven't encountered any alien-life forms either. The whole universe seems to have drastically changed in the last 3 million years. It seems a lot of aliens-species you know, don't exist anymore. For example the Thangarians and the Daxxamites have gone too."

Starfire was now very sad.

"No Green Lantern Corps?" Asked Robin.  
"I regret sir."

"What about the New Gods from New Genesis?" Asked Raven  
"Sorry ma'am."

"New-Kryptonians?" Asked Cyborg.  
Not in this galaxy, sir.

"What about the Imps from the 5th dimension?" Asked Robin..  
"Instinct after they fiddled around with the 6.5th dimension."

"And the Omicronians" Asked Beast Boy.

"I will answer that question in two parts.  
First: There are no Omicronians.  
Second: There's no such thing as Omicronians outside the fictional serial Futurama.

"So space is empty?" Concluded Cyborg.

"Not quite sir, there are still gelfs, polymorphs, space weevils, the civilizations under Mr. Lister toenails, robots, mechanoids, androids and simulants, we encounter from time to time." Answered him Kryten.

"Aren't Simulants and Androids the same?" Asked Beast Boy.

"No sir, for example the basic difference between a simulant and an android is, that the latter would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck."

"Nice." Deadpanned Raven.

"And this David Lister is the last known man of the universe?" Asked Robin.

"Yes… but only until we met you of course." Said Kryten.

"How is he like?"

"You will love him. He's a good man, a man of moral courage… but never let him play his guitar."

Raven made a mental note: "Never let him play his guitar… check!"

"But apart from that Mr. Lister has been always an icon of mine, he encouraged me to break my  
programming and adapt human behaviour making me independent."

Rimmer behind them added: "As I said: What a stupid utter git of a robot."

"As I said, things must have been very harmonic on this ship. Before we arrived." Whispered Raven to Starfire.

But Kryten continued: "He thought me how to lie, cheat, to be unpleasant, cruel, deceitful, offensive and sarcastic. Those are the human qualities I admire the most!"

Starfire was puzzled and turned to Kryten: "But why do you want to be grumpy?"

"Grumpiness a vital part of your psychological defence system, it's what makes you human."

Starfire smiled and hit Raven with her elbow.  
"You're more human than you admit." She whispered at her.

"Hoo-ray" Deadpanned Raven.

But Robin was sceptic, a robot lying: That was preposterous. So he confronted him with. "Isn't lying wrong?"

And Kryten replied:  
"Well sir, in most cases yes, but you also have to understand that it can be noble to lie: Like Humphrey Bogart, at the end of Casablanca, when he lies to his ex-girlfriend's husband to protect his feelings. Some times it's essential to conceal your true intentions from other people. I'm getting quite good at lying. Ask me about the colour of your cape."

"What's the colour of my cape?" Asked Robin weary.

"Engage lie-mode." Spoke Kryten: "It's b… it's b… it's a red-and-blue striped off-duty Bolivian penguin. But don't waste my time you tedious person. I have to witness Czechoslovakian Navy manoeuvres the in the South Pacific with my golfing umbrella." Smiled Kryten.

Robin blinked, he and the other Titans were a slightly impressed.

"You see, I can lie, cheat, AND be offensive now." Triumphed Kryten. "I'm quite human."

"Not to mention wanting to have a penis." Smirked Robin.

Again there was one huge gap in the corridor. The group stopped in front of the void.

Beast Boy tried to bow down to have a better look.  
"OUCH this suit is too tight." He straightened up again.

"Isn't this just great." Complained Rimmer. "We're only one storage away from the computer core sector and the stairs over there are smashed. Now we need to walk an one hour detour to an other stairway unless of course we've got a portable elevator.

Raven stretched out her hands and formed a black bubble around them. Then they were elevated up one floor.  
"Well done Raven" Said Robin and turned to Rimmer "We've got a portable elevator." Kryten and Cat were impressed, while the Titans grinned at him, except Beast Boy who was pulling around his pants.

They stood now in the computer core section and then they walked down the corridor to Kryten's repair station.

"Ah, home sweet home." Said Kryten when they entered the small room, there was a recharge coil dangling on the ceiling and Kryten's spare parts were packed in boxes, they were greeted by Kryten's spare heads, who were displayed on a shelf .

There's wasn't enough space for all, so Raven, Starfire and Beast Boy stayed outside. While Robin and Cyborg were quite enthusiastic to help Cat and Rimmer to build a 22nd century mechanoid together.

The girls could not fail to notice Beast Boy still pulling around his pants.

"Have you got no shame?" Asked Raven dryly.

Beast Boy addressed to the girls. "Dudes, these trousers are far too tight. Look!" He turned around and showed them his squeezed backside.

Normally the girls would break out in collective 'Eww-ing', but this time Beast Boy wore a very manly suit.

Beast Boy bowed down a little bit, and said: "I mean you can see how big this pants makes my butt."

The manly outfit made his rear kind of interesting to the girls.

"What do you think?" He asked them.

Raven was still staring and Starfire mumbled unclear: "We need a couple of hours to finally decide."

"WHAT!"

The girls looked away.

"Nothing." Muttered Raven.

Then Cat, Cyborg, Rimmer, Robin walked out.  
Cyborg stated: "We've assembled a new body for Kryten and now his uploading his memory into it. The process takes only a couple of minutes."

"Soon we'll find out who this mysterious Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh is." Said Robin while rubbing his hands.

Suddenly the Cat sniffed suspiciously. The Titans stared at Beast Boy.

"DUDES! It's not me!" He protested.

But Cat was sniffing on, then he yelled. "FISH!"

There was a trail of sardines lying on the floor.

Cat happily began to sing: "I'm gonna eat you little fishy! I'm gonna eat you little fishy!"

He hopped from fish to fish and ate them. Munching he followed the line of sardines.

The Titans look bewildered at each other. Then Rimmer's paranoia jumped into action:  
"NO! You stupid cat that's a trap."

Rimmer and the Titans followed Cat.

"Hmm! Hmm!" uttered Cat with his full mouth.

"CAT! Stop at once." Ordered him Rimmer.

"HHM… hmm, HMM, Smeghead, Hmm, hmm." Replied Cat while chewing with his full mouth.

Finally Cat munched his way up to the end of the sardines-line. Cat was now standing in front of a small table with some more fish on a nice plate. Rimmer and the Titans arrived too.

They were standing now in a dark room. The only source of light, was a bulb, hanging over the table. Behind the table stood a lonely open locker.

The Titans look suspiciously around while Rimmer warned Cat: "Get out of here, don't you see that there's something fishy going on?"

Cat swallowed the fish and calmed them down: "Hey guys… This is not a trap."

The door closed and the light went out.

Cat said. "On second thought: This is a trap."

Rimmer ducked for cover while the Titans powered up their weapons:  
Starfire's eyes and her fists started glow green. Beast Boy turns into a firefly (the suit he got from Cat fell on the floor) and Cyborg activated his shoulder lamp.

With the light they were creating they could see, how Cat got blast by a net. Immobilised, he fell down on the floor. Then a dark figure wrapped a black cotton bag on Cat's head, followed by a black plastic bucket.

Just when the Titans were about to attack, they heard a friendly voice from the dark figure.

"Everything is okay Cat, it's me Lister."

The Titans halted their attack. Rimmer looked up in disbelieved.

"HEY BUDDY!" Mumbled Cat underneath the bucket, the bag and the net. "WHAT THE ç IS ç€&#£ GOING ON?

"Trust me Cat." Said Lister and pushed Cat into the locker behind the table, then Lister locked it. Then he pulled out a remote and switched the light on again.

Now they could clearly see Dave Lister smiling like a gerbil at them. He had a bazookoid on his back and appeared very exhausted.

"Lister! You smeghead. What the smegging smeg were you smegging when you was smegging this?" Greeted him Rimmer, who jumped forward.

"Hey Rimmer… good to see you made it." Said Lister and was just was about to hug him but he restrained himself. "Where's Kryten?"

"In the mechanoid-workshop…" Answered Rimmer before Cat interrupted him: "GERBIL FACE! LET ME OUT!"

"SORRY Cat, sorry. Fact is: You're the Space Monster."

The Titans were dumbstruck. Rimmer surprised.

"What?" Said Cat with disbelieved.

"You're something like a 'Were-Cat'.

"WHAT?" Said all with the exception of Lister.

Lister put now all the pieces of the puzzle together.  
"It began when we made a detour to save these five 21st century guys. We went into orbit around this moon, remember, this green moon you were staring at. Of course you can't remember that, because you transformed into that Were-Cat, destroying Holly, swallowing Rimmer and marooning the Red Dwarf, but when the Red Dwarf passed into the dark side of the moon, you turned back. That's why your clothes were ripped when I and Kryten found you after the monster vanished.

"And I always thought I had some very realistic erotic daydreams." Said Cat.

Lister smiled and continued: "But we didn't knew it then. So when we three tried to bring Red Dwarf online again. You looked again out of a window, and became again the Were-Cat. And this time I and Kryten witnessed your transformation."

"So I'm the Were-Cat Space Monster." Concluded Cat profound. "Tell me, did my fur colour matched with my rags?"

Lister ignored that question.

Rimmer spoke up: "Right, there's only one human solution: We put him inside the next airlock and blow him into space."

Lister ignored that suggestion.

"Go JOZXYQK yourself toilet-brush hair!" Insulted him Cat.

"Look, we fix the machines and try to get out of the orbit from that moon. Till then…" Lister turned to the locker: "Sorry Cat, you have to stay in this room in this locker."

"All right, I can't risk loosing more of my wardrobe." Responded Cat.

The Titans and the two Dwarves walked out the dark room.

Outside Lister mustered the Teen Titans.  
Soon his eyes glittered as if he was a kid seeing Santa Claus.  
He asked Rimmer.  
"Are they those who I'm thinking off."

Rimmer sighted: "Well let me introduce you to each other:  
David Lister, these are 5 kids.  
And Teen Titans, this is a big kid."

Lister felt as a little kid who got from Santa an X-box 3.6 million together with the Dead or Alive Beach-Volleyball 5000, see-through bathing suit edition.

"He-hey I know you guys… I can't believe this is true… You're the smegging TEEN TITANS! I can't believe this, you are my childhood heroes."

The Titans were now a bit bashful, while Lister worshiped them.

"You're Robin, brave ultra-cool sidekick of Batman, you're sassy Starfire with laser-eyes from the planet Tameran, you're Cyborg the smartest and strongest dude the world ever seen and you're the dark-sorceress Raven the loveliest member of the team.

"The loveliest?" Responded Raven sceptic. "When I'm back in the past and need to work on my reputation."

Beast Boy grinned at Lister.  
"Oh and you are…" Lister was thinking "You are…"

Beast Boy changed into a penguin, a giraffe and a raptor to help Lister.

"Of course silly me: Broccoli Boy." He responded.

Beast Boy was now very hurt. "I AM BEAST BOY." He shouted a him.

"OH Beast Boy… the… the… green one." Said Lister.

Beast Boy was crossed: "And what else you know about me?" He asked demanding.

Lister, not wanting to offend Beast Boy, was now heavily thinking, he spoke slowly.  
"You're green… you're with the Titans… you wore before a very neat suit…"

"I can change into animals." gnashed Beast Boy.

"You can change into animals… and kitchen appliances." Guessed Lister poorly.

"You have no idea who I am." Said Beast boy just about to explode

"Well… yes."

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE FUTURE!" Beast Boy blew out.  
He needed time on his on, and stomped away.

Lister said: "Oh smeg, what a way to threat a Titans: Poor East Roy."

"That's Beast Boy." Corrected him Cyborg.

"Oh yeah."

"How comes the future don't know about him?" Asked him Robin suspicious.  
Lister shrugged and said:  
"As a born future-boy, I better go after him and apologize."

"Oh let him sulk." Bloated Rimmer "We got important things to do. We need to get the engines running and leave the orbit of this cursed moon."

He walked to a shut window at a wall, where he spoke to a sensor. "Authorisation: Arnold Rimmer: Open the window."

The metal shield, which was blocking the view, lowered down. A big wide-screen-window revealed the stars and the wonders of space.

And there it was, a bright, shining moon.

Sending its green beams to the faces of Titans the two Dwarves.

The moon was quite little.  
"It's a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so a small thing.  
- Such a little thing." Remarked Rimmer dreamily.

"Why the moon isn't influencing us?" Asked Robin.

"It seems this moon cause only a 'Were-Cat syndrome'." Imagined Raven.

"Exactly, we're homo sapiens, descended from apes." Answered Lister. "Cat, however is Felis sapiens, descended from my pet cat Frankenstein, three million years ago."

Cyborg theorised: "Oh… weren't the Tamaranians descended from Cat-like creatures too?"

Their eyes widen and they looked over to Starfire.

Starfire didn't look good, she was staring at the green moon and panting in the same way like Professor Lupin did the Movie 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban'.

"STARFIRE!" Yelled Robin concerned.

A close up of Starfire's eyes showed how the pupils of her eyes were changing. Her heartbeats speeded up and she was breathing more heavily as before.

Rimmer shouted the window to close again.

The Titans pulled Starfire away from the window and made her face them.

She was trembling.

"Let me help."  
Raven touches with a black glowing hand Star's chest and she spoke. "You know the woman you truly are Starfire."

Starfire's legs stretched and became hairy.

"This heart is where you truly live!"

Starfire's arms became hairy.

"This Hearth here."

Starfire's mouth swell out.

"This flesh is only flesh!…"

Starfire slashed Raven away. Her body was now covered with fur, her suit ripped, claws came out and she gained 5 times of her body mass.

"OWWW!" She howled, while big jaws came out her mouth.

Raven look in horror at the others. "Run! Run!"

"Star! Star!" Robin tried to go to Starfire but he was hold back by Lister: "Come on Robin."

"We can't leave her."

Lister spoke: "Robin! If she was only half as strong as Cat, she still would be…"

Robin interrupted him: "Wait. Wait."

They saw how the Were-Cat was covering and whimpering on the floor.

"Robin!" Raven tried to hold him back.

"Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea." whispered Rimmer in horror.

"Star? Starfire? Koriand'r?" Asked her Robin, hoping she would remember…

But she didn't.

"MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" She howled at them.

The Were-Cat walked slowly to them.

Rimmer tried to calm her down. "Nice kitty. Nice kitty."

A door opened and a fresh repaired Kryten walked in.

Not seeing the Were-Cat behind him. He addressed to them.

"Ah, Mr. Lister sir. Nice to see you again. Ladies and gentlemen: I've finally managed to decorrupt my files and I'm afraid to say that the mysterious space monster is nobody else than our Mr. Cat.  
It seems that due the radiation of the green moon we're orbiting, Cat has been effected to become a so-called Were-Cat.  
I advised to put Mr. Cat immediately into Quarantine until we've left orbit. Further. I strongly advised to quarantine Ms. Starfire too. There's a 86 chance, that due her feline ancestry she could be also affected by the moon's radiation.

Finally Kryten noticed their shocked faces, he turned around and saw the Were-Cat.  
"Curse mode on: Oh, smegging smeg."

The Were-Cat hawled its prank at him. He flew against the wall and broke again into dozens pieces.

His head landed direct in the hands of Beast Boy, who returned after hearing the transformation noises, only to catch Kryten's head and find a Were-Cat.

He got so afraid he couldn't move.

"WHAM!"  
Lister has sneaked at the Were-Cat from behind and shot closely in its back.

With his modified bazookoid he shot one huge net around her.

The Were-Cat stood straight up, and ripped without difficulties the net apart.

Lister gulped at the Titans and pointed at the running something at the end of the corridor:  
"Follow that Rimmer shaped blur!"

* * *

_TO BE CONTINUED___

ANOTHER AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
Please don't mention the precise nature of the space monster in the reviews, that would be like yelling in the beginning of the 6th Harry Potter movie who's killing, who.  
:-) :-) :-)  
Ace Trax.


End file.
